One more year gone...

Well, it's the last day of 2011.  It doesn't seem like New Year's Eve.  Possibly because it's the weekend.  No plans tonight.  Just me and my laundry.  I may tune in to see the ball drop on Ryan Seacrest/Dick Clark. Pretty quiet night.  I can't complain about 2011.  Got in some good short trips to Atlantic City three times.  And a big trip to a new city - Nashville - to see a once-in-a-lifetime concert w/both New Kids on the Block AND Backstreet Boys.  That was fun.  It was a pretty stable year mental health-wise, too.  So I'm grateful for that.  Still a rebuilding year, I think.  Interesting to see if 2012 brings in anything exciting, new and different.  Time will tell.

It's the most wonderful time of the year...

...or so they would have us believe anyway. I'm always kind of conflicted about the holiday season. On one hand it's great because there are breaks from work and travel and food. On the other hand there's just so much to do. Planning trips, keeping money together, figuring out what the hell to get everyone for Christmas, office parties... It can get stressful if I let it, but I try not to let it reach that point because it wouldn't be good for me. Definitely try to keep out things in life that can stress me out of the sanity I'm currently enjoying.

I can't believe the year is almost over. I never really remember the specifics of a year gone by. I'm pretty sure it's just a side effect of whatever brain issue I have. Kind of a defense mechanism to protect me from getting overwhelmed. Or sheer boredom. Either could be true.

This year there wasn't a Vegas trip (boo!), but there were three Atlantic City trips and a trip to Nashville. I love to travel. It's one of the things that makes me happiest. I love getting ready for a trip - the thought process, the planning, the special "trip" clothes and supplies - everything. It's always fun to not be "here". Trip planning is what keeps me sane in between the travel.

2011 hasn't been a bad year. Anything is better than 2009, so as long as I'm moving forward in a positive direction, I suppose that's good. I am getting restless, though. I need to make some movements in my life. As soon as I figure out the logistics of WHAT, I can figure out what needs to be done and how to get there. I don't want to get bogged down in the fact that everyone else's lives seem to be moving while mine remains stagnant. Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt. I don't know - we'll see what happens.

I want to get back to writing again. I feel like with the whole depression meds thing it sucked out every bit of creativity I ever had. I remember before I started on meds I could write prolifically and deeply. Not so much anymore. I'm hoping to get some of that back. It seems I could only write when desperately unhappy, but it's gotta be in there somewhere even when things are going ok. I just have to find an outlet. 

What will 2012 bring? Only time will tell. And I know better than to try to make concrete plans for anything. The universe just laughs at plans, anyway.

Aha Moments

I've been watching Oprah's Lifeclass. Lots of aha moments in those episodes. They usually come as an "oh" and a slow blink. Good stuff in there.

Happy New Year

Well the New Year started just fine. Actually had plans for once. I took the train up to Philly and planned to stay at the Marriott w/my sisters that night and go to an Irish pub for the festivities. Well we got to the pub and it wasn't so fun, but one sister heard from some friends at another place and they said it was good. Plus they had a table, so off we went. The other place was way better. Good music and good prices. The friends were pretty cool, too. Pretty sure all the dudes were potheads. Which was highly amusing. Rang in the New Year in a good way. Trying to keep up the momentum. We shall see!

2010

Last day of 2010! 2010 was infinitely better than 2009 and I hope 2011 brings more of the "good". I don't like to reflect on the past year because it's full of coulda, shoulda, woulda...always. So I'm going to look forward, ignore the past, and keep it moving. Putting the positivity out there in the universe! Goodbye 2010!

Time flies

Wow hard to believe 2010 is almost over. I will say 2010 has been infinitely better than 2009. That was the year of the "ungood". I've been in a pretty good place mentally this year. Enough so that I'm off meds. For now anyway. Whether that shall continue to be the case remains to be seen. But I'm taking it one day at a time. If I go back on meds, I go back on meds. If I don't, I don't. I'm ok either way. My life has been pretty "clear" this year. Work has been...bearable. I rid myself of the people mucking up my personal life back in '09. And it's been all about me. Which, if I do say so myself, is all that matters. I'm worth ALL my effort thank you very much.

Birthday Time

It's that time of the year again. Tomorrow's my birthday. I'll be 33. God. That's such an old people age. I'm don't really care, though. It's a number. Not a particularly desirable one, but what can I do about it?

This has been a bad year for me. Not exactly a year from hell - or at least not the lowest circle of hell, but it sure was hot! I can point to exactly when it all started going downhill. November '08, I think. I had a boyfriend - which is never a good idea. You lose way too much of yourself in relationships and it's just not worth it. So yeah I had an old ass, loud, deaf, barn door rattling snoring, majorly funky footed boyfriend who kept odd hours, ate bad food, and drank a little more than is healthy for any prolonged period of time. Good times right there.

December it only got better. I don't get sick often, but my body decided it wanted to go ahead and get the flu. Just out of nowhere. And it was a bad flu. The kill me now kind of flu. Did I get better? Oh noooo. The flu turned into bronchitis. I hacked for literally two months straight. Antibiotics help with the infection but there's no cure for the coughing. And for two months after THAT, I was so worn down and almostsick. it just was not helping.

So we're in April '09 now. Sick of the funky footed bf and influence from him wasn't helping me be all Oprah and live my best life now. So he went sorta bye-bye. I was physically ill - any sneeze or cough would irritate my diaphragm and there would go dinner. And because I have depression (no not depressed ABOUT anything) all of the bad stuff just exacerbated that.

I was missing a lot of work. Which of course got me in trouble at work. Which of course stressed me. Which of course didn't help my situation at all. The work situation has been off and on and off and on even up to now. Bastards. I decided to start school in October. That's been a non-issue, pretty much. It is what it is. It's a means to an end.

I'm finally starting to feel better. I'm at about 50% right now. Which when compared to the 20% where I spent the last year - well, every little bit helps.

So what changed? I think it was several factors. First of all, I got tired of hearing myself whine. I don't feel good. So what. Suck it up and deal. I quit therapy. I'd gotten all I could out of that and therapy was only for my PTSD from back in the day, anyway. I felt like therapy was becoming a crutch. I HATE when people say "Well my therapist said..." uh huh now what did YOU say? So I got real with myself, faced myself, and you know what? It's alright. I'm alright. Let's move it along.

I've also gotten rid of my psychiatrist and gotten a new one. The old one had gotten rather lackadaisical. Plus he wouldn't write me any more scripts without seeing him even after we'd discussed that it would be awhile before I could see him. And the location was inconvenient for me. So I picked one closer to work. I had my intake with him (the new one) last week.

I've been off ALL my meds for three weeks now (due to that no prescription thing). No antidepressants and NO sleeping pills! And after the initial withdrawal I realized that I haven't felt THIS good in over a year. Maybe it's the weather. Maybe it's finally getting out of my own head and facing my own shit. Maybe I needed to see that I'm ok on my own just like I knew I was. Maybe I needed a reminder of dammit girl get a backbone, get your shit straight, and quit the whining. Whatever the reason, I'm just going with it.

I told the new doc about being off meds and feeling great and he was like well you shouldn't need them all the time so if you feel fine and you look like you feel fine, then don't sweat it. I just sat there like OH. Well...OH. And I realized OH I didn't implode. OH I'm not on somebody's ledge somewhere. OH I've been going to bed and going to sleep with no problem without medication. OH I KNOW how to do this!

I'm probably going back on the meds, just for the month until I see him again. I figure having that regulation there with an existing condition can't hurt. But at the same time, I can see me again. Beyond all the ohhhh I'm on meds. Ohhhh I need therapy. Ohhhhh I need a psychiatrist. Ohhhh it's so harrrrrd. With all that enabling and bullshit I was wallowing in, I'd forgotten my own strength. But that's ok, I'v been reminded and now I'm going all RuPaul and putting the bass BACK in my walk ;-)

It's gonna take time, I realize that. There are ups and downs. Sometimes there are way downs. Sometimes the sun is too bright, people are too loud, there's too many whiners... Sometimes there's not enough sun, it's too dark, things are too crazy... But I've gotta remember that this is LIVING. And what I almost forgot how to do was LIVE.

Take no prisoners, goodbye to the bullshitters, and hello world. Happy birthday to me.