It's that time of the year again. Tomorrow's my birthday. I'll be 33. God. That's such an old people age. I'm don't really care, though. It's a number. Not a particularly desirable one, but what can I do about it?
This has been a bad year for me. Not exactly a year from hell - or at least not the lowest circle of hell, but it sure was hot! I can point to exactly when it all started going downhill. November '08, I think. I had a boyfriend - which is never a good idea. You lose way too much of yourself in relationships and it's just not worth it. So yeah I had an old ass, loud, deaf, barn door rattling snoring, majorly funky footed boyfriend who kept odd hours, ate bad food, and drank a little more than is healthy for any prolonged period of time. Good times right there.
December it only got better. I don't get sick often, but my body decided it wanted to go ahead and get the flu. Just out of nowhere. And it was a bad flu. The kill me now kind of flu. Did I get better? Oh noooo. The flu turned into bronchitis. I hacked for literally two months straight. Antibiotics help with the infection but there's no cure for the coughing. And for two months after THAT, I was so worn down and almostsick. it just was not helping.
So we're in April '09 now. Sick of the funky footed bf and influence from him wasn't helping me be all Oprah and live my best life now. So he went sorta bye-bye. I was physically ill - any sneeze or cough would irritate my diaphragm and there would go dinner. And because I have depression (no not depressed ABOUT anything) all of the bad stuff just exacerbated that.
I was missing a lot of work. Which of course got me in trouble at work. Which of course stressed me. Which of course didn't help my situation at all. The work situation has been off and on and off and on even up to now. Bastards. I decided to start school in October. That's been a non-issue, pretty much. It is what it is. It's a means to an end.
I'm finally starting to feel better. I'm at about 50% right now. Which when compared to the 20% where I spent the last year - well, every little bit helps.
So what changed? I think it was several factors. First of all, I got tired of hearing myself whine. I don't feel good. So what. Suck it up and deal. I quit therapy. I'd gotten all I could out of that and therapy was only for my PTSD from back in the day, anyway. I felt like therapy was becoming a crutch. I HATE when people say "Well my therapist said..." uh huh now what did YOU say? So I got real with myself, faced myself, and you know what? It's alright. I'm alright. Let's move it along.
I've also gotten rid of my psychiatrist and gotten a new one. The old one had gotten rather lackadaisical. Plus he wouldn't write me any more scripts without seeing him even after we'd discussed that it would be awhile before I could see him. And the location was inconvenient for me. So I picked one closer to work. I had my intake with him (the new one) last week.
I've been off ALL my meds for three weeks now (due to that no prescription thing). No antidepressants and NO sleeping pills! And after the initial withdrawal I realized that I haven't felt THIS good in over a year. Maybe it's the weather. Maybe it's finally getting out of my own head and facing my own shit. Maybe I needed to see that I'm ok on my own just like I knew I was. Maybe I needed a reminder of dammit girl get a backbone, get your shit straight, and quit the whining. Whatever the reason, I'm just going with it.
I told the new doc about being off meds and feeling great and he was like well you shouldn't need them all the time so if you feel fine and you look like you feel fine, then don't sweat it. I just sat there like OH. Well...OH. And I realized OH I didn't implode. OH I'm not on somebody's ledge somewhere. OH I've been going to bed and going to sleep with no problem without medication. OH I KNOW how to do this!
I'm probably going back on the meds, just for the month until I see him again. I figure having that regulation there with an existing condition can't hurt. But at the same time, I can see me again. Beyond all the ohhhh I'm on meds. Ohhhh I need therapy. Ohhhhh I need a psychiatrist. Ohhhh it's so harrrrrd. With all that enabling and bullshit I was wallowing in, I'd forgotten my own strength. But that's ok, I'v been reminded and now I'm going all RuPaul and putting the bass BACK in my walk ;-)
It's gonna take time, I realize that. There are ups and downs. Sometimes there are way downs. Sometimes the sun is too bright, people are too loud, there's too many whiners... Sometimes there's not enough sun, it's too dark, things are too crazy... But I've gotta remember that this is LIVING. And what I almost forgot how to do was LIVE.
Take no prisoners, goodbye to the bullshitters, and hello world. Happy birthday to me.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
2009
I always look back at a year with woulda coulda shoulda...but this year shocked me.
Out of the blue I realized I have lost an ENTIRE year. Not a year of ooh I shoulda done that this or the other. No I have LOST a year. I have done nothing. I have been nothing. Hell, I haven't even been present 90% of the time.
Since this time last year, I have been spiraling down in my depression. Something went rather wrong when I got bronchitis and I went off the deep end. Not crazy, deranged, psychotic, but I pretty much just....quit. For an entire year. Apparently I'm just now waking up and looking around like dammmmmmnnnnnn. What the HELL did I DO?!
That's been food for thought for two months now. And shall remain so for at least another month. I have to wrap my head around this cuz I'M shocked and I was THERE.
Out of the blue I realized I have lost an ENTIRE year. Not a year of ooh I shoulda done that this or the other. No I have LOST a year. I have done nothing. I have been nothing. Hell, I haven't even been present 90% of the time.
Since this time last year, I have been spiraling down in my depression. Something went rather wrong when I got bronchitis and I went off the deep end. Not crazy, deranged, psychotic, but I pretty much just....quit. For an entire year. Apparently I'm just now waking up and looking around like dammmmmmnnnnnn. What the HELL did I DO?!
That's been food for thought for two months now. And shall remain so for at least another month. I have to wrap my head around this cuz I'M shocked and I was THERE.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
INsomNIA
It's 2 in the morning on a weekday and the insomnia that is always with me is particularly strong today. I'm on my second Ambien in hopes to slow my mind down to an acceptable degree. NOT trying to be the next River Phoenix/Heath Ledger, though.
The ambien is in my system. slowing my motor functions and thought processes. But that hasn't reached my mind. What my therapist refers to as "busy brain". Where you just can't stop thinking. At all. It's rather annoying in its way. For example, will tonight's episode send me to work well-rested or even ALERT? I'm guessing no.
It's very hard to explain to people that you just can't get up that day. No matter how hard you try. Yes I and depressed NO I am not DEPRESSED. Please, well meaning people do NOT ask What I'm depressed about. I will most likely rip you a new one. With a smile.
Gonna stop typing now, Hard to stay coherent when you're bone-tired and on amnbien which may or not be sneaking up on you to sleep.
Wonder how coherent this is gonna look in the morning.
The ambien is in my system. slowing my motor functions and thought processes. But that hasn't reached my mind. What my therapist refers to as "busy brain". Where you just can't stop thinking. At all. It's rather annoying in its way. For example, will tonight's episode send me to work well-rested or even ALERT? I'm guessing no.
It's very hard to explain to people that you just can't get up that day. No matter how hard you try. Yes I and depressed NO I am not DEPRESSED. Please, well meaning people do NOT ask What I'm depressed about. I will most likely rip you a new one. With a smile.
Gonna stop typing now, Hard to stay coherent when you're bone-tired and on amnbien which may or not be sneaking up on you to sleep.
Wonder how coherent this is gonna look in the morning.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Thoughts at 4 in the morning
I used to write ALL the time. Words just flowed. That was my outlet. There was a community of writers who felt like family. Not so many years later, here I am. I have to find a new way to write. It seems my words came from my deep inner turmoil. That turmoil that was my life and therefore gave me no life. And then I got medicated. Yep - now where did that creativity go? I've been trying to find those pieces. They're in there somewhere. I won't write about deep dark destructive unrest. At least not all the time. And I refuse to write about flowers and trees and annoying little blue birds. Nope not me. I think I'll just start typing and let the words find me once more. Most likely at 4 in the morning on Ambien dreams.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Energy
Well, we're into the second month of the year and I already feel like I need a vacation. On the positive side, I have very little stress right about now. On the negative side my body has decided now would be a good time to frolic about in the medical masses.
Work is fine. It's work. I can eat and I have a roof over my head. 'Nuff said. Finances are....they're finances. They're not where I want them to be at all. But by March I hope to be caught up with my credit cards. That's my first goal. I don't want to think on that further because I'll get overwhelmed and do absolutely nothing.
I've had a tiring couple of months healthwise. One week I had a cold. Not fun, but whatever. The following week I had the flu. And since I was still getting over the cold, that was doubly hard. Plus I rarely get the flu. And the week after THAT I somehow developed a nasty strain of bacterial bronchitis. Whatever that is. 10 days of double doses of mega strong antibiotics. Cleared it up. Mostly. The fine print? I could have symptoms for another 2-3 months. Apparently, this is true. I'm very tired of the coughing. And this is in addition to some issues with the ladybits I won't go into. Fabulous.
Other positive stuff...my boyfriend. Totally unexpected, but totally needed. He is such a blessing. I thank God for him every day. I think him finding me has done much to keep my mood stable. Lord knows, I don't need a bout of depression to kick in. I don't have time and I SURE don't have the energy to fight it right now.
So all I can say for '09 is...it's interesting. And I hope it gets better. Now I'm off to research vitamins, diet, and homeopathic whatevers to see if THEY can find my energy.
Work is fine. It's work. I can eat and I have a roof over my head. 'Nuff said. Finances are....they're finances. They're not where I want them to be at all. But by March I hope to be caught up with my credit cards. That's my first goal. I don't want to think on that further because I'll get overwhelmed and do absolutely nothing.
I've had a tiring couple of months healthwise. One week I had a cold. Not fun, but whatever. The following week I had the flu. And since I was still getting over the cold, that was doubly hard. Plus I rarely get the flu. And the week after THAT I somehow developed a nasty strain of bacterial bronchitis. Whatever that is. 10 days of double doses of mega strong antibiotics. Cleared it up. Mostly. The fine print? I could have symptoms for another 2-3 months. Apparently, this is true. I'm very tired of the coughing. And this is in addition to some issues with the ladybits I won't go into. Fabulous.
Other positive stuff...my boyfriend. Totally unexpected, but totally needed. He is such a blessing. I thank God for him every day. I think him finding me has done much to keep my mood stable. Lord knows, I don't need a bout of depression to kick in. I don't have time and I SURE don't have the energy to fight it right now.
So all I can say for '09 is...it's interesting. And I hope it gets better. Now I'm off to research vitamins, diet, and homeopathic whatevers to see if THEY can find my energy.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Looking Back
First - looking back at my September blog post - who the hell was I in a relationship with in September?
OK moving on. 2009 is almost here. Let me just say 2008 friggin' SUCKED. SUCKED HARD. 2009 has GOT to be better. 'Cuz DAMN. I am so not in the holiday spirit. Normally I would be glued to Dick Clark right about now. I'll tune in at 11:59:59, but that's about it. Whoo. Freakin'. Hoo.
At least I'm ENDING the year right - an unexpected blessing in a boyfriend I love. Ooh and no S.A.D. symptoms. And I'm so eager for the damn year to be over I don't have my usual sad sack list of things I didn't do in the past year. Whatever. I'm alive.
So here's to a...not sucky 2009.
OK moving on. 2009 is almost here. Let me just say 2008 friggin' SUCKED. SUCKED HARD. 2009 has GOT to be better. 'Cuz DAMN. I am so not in the holiday spirit. Normally I would be glued to Dick Clark right about now. I'll tune in at 11:59:59, but that's about it. Whoo. Freakin'. Hoo.
At least I'm ENDING the year right - an unexpected blessing in a boyfriend I love. Ooh and no S.A.D. symptoms. And I'm so eager for the damn year to be over I don't have my usual sad sack list of things I didn't do in the past year. Whatever. I'm alive.
So here's to a...not sucky 2009.
Me in Pictures
I saw this in a blog and thought it was pretty cool.
First, go to Flickr. Then, go to Big Huge Labs’ mosaic-maker in a second tab in the same window so you can easily switch back & forth. Now you’re going to fill in your answers, then do a photo search in Flickr for each word or phrase. You must then choose one photo from the FIRST PAGE ONLY of your results that most resonates with you and then enter each photo url into the mosaic-maker. Once you finish, hit create and there you have it. (And at any given time, the results can be different based on Flickr photo activity.)
What is your first name? Bethany
What is your favorite food? Cheese
What high school did you go to? Stephen Decatur High School
What is your favorite color? Purple
Who is your celebrity crush? Oded Fehr
What is your favorite drink? Vodka tonic
What is your dream vacation? Bellagio in Vegas
What is your favorite dessert? Creme Brulee
What do you want to do when you grow up? I don't want to grow up
Who/ what do you love most in life? Books
Choose one word that describes you? Fractured
Where is your favorite place to be? Vegas
Photo credits:
1. Planet Bethany, 2. Homemade: Ciabatta with Pesto, Provolone Cheese, Tomato, and Basil & Persimmon, 3. 0824 12-SH, 4. Sleek, 5. Oded Fehr was my inspiration for the experimental shot, 6. At the bar, 7. Dale Chihuly, 8. Crème Brulée, 9. Why Me, 10. The Old Library II, 11. The Amphitheatre, 12. A psychedelic fairytale
Sunday, September 07, 2008
AUGH!
So I'm in the beginnings of a relationship. I am trying my best not to self-sabotage. This is an interesting opportunity to figure out why I do what I do and how not to screw this up. I have to be a woman and uh...woman up. Face my issues, face the relationship, face everything. Head on. No excuses. I'm guessing this is next in where I have to go to continue to get better. My G.A.D. does lovely things to how you react in life, so you must fight. I'm going to have to step outside of my very uncomfortable box and face some very uncomfortable things. To be handled delicately and honestly.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Possibilities
Is it possible to terrifically clarified and still have no clue how to muddle through whatever it was you were trying to do?
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Yesterday, Today, Forever?
I'm making a point this week to take a step back and look at the big picture. I've had a rather rough week with several things happening at once or one right after the other. It's so tempting to just throw up my hands and run screaming from the problem(s). But then I stop and think, "Is it really that bad?" In the whole scheme of things, how "bad" is it? Will I even remember, say, in six months? Chances are, the answer is "no".
As is human nature, it's so easy to get stuck in the NOW. We only see what's RIGHT THERE and we're missing the way out that's over THERE. How many times have you looked back at something and said "Now if only I'd done that. It's so clear."? I know I have. I know I do. And I know I'll do it again. Human nature.
I'm learning to let go of the past, live today, and plan for tomorrow. I always forget the first and the last step. The past isn't helping me except as lessons learned. So I will take those lessons, take note, learn from them, and move on. Living today doesn't mean living FOR today. It means taking what's presented right now and dealing with it, through it or around it to survive and thrive. What's really important is planning for tomorrow. Tomorrow is what matters. Tomorrow is inevitable. So set yourself a solid foundation and plan for tomorrow.
As is human nature, it's so easy to get stuck in the NOW. We only see what's RIGHT THERE and we're missing the way out that's over THERE. How many times have you looked back at something and said "Now if only I'd done that. It's so clear."? I know I have. I know I do. And I know I'll do it again. Human nature.
I'm learning to let go of the past, live today, and plan for tomorrow. I always forget the first and the last step. The past isn't helping me except as lessons learned. So I will take those lessons, take note, learn from them, and move on. Living today doesn't mean living FOR today. It means taking what's presented right now and dealing with it, through it or around it to survive and thrive. What's really important is planning for tomorrow. Tomorrow is what matters. Tomorrow is inevitable. So set yourself a solid foundation and plan for tomorrow.
Thursday, October 04, 2007
The mirrored, the opaque
I love watching people on the train with their effortless slickness. You watch enough and you realize they're just as self-consciously insecure as you are.
Here's the guy with the sunglasses like a shield further buffered from the now with his Ipod. He's busy but oh-so-cool.
There's the guy with an all too together not at all planned out and put together look of tweed, stripes, plaid and undone gelled hair. He's hiding behind his paper and leaves to go off to a life that has to be fabulous. He probably toils away by day at the Gap in order to live while dreaming unfulfilled dreams.
So many people with lives I might envy. Bt if I and they knew the truth, it might be my life they envy.
This guy over here is far too tall and not at all comfortable in his skin. Thin, hunched, antsy, trying to shrink but still standing out in his wrinkled professorial clothing. I wonder where he's going.
They liken us to books. With covers. That has a deep ring of truth. Never judge a book by it's cover. We all wear veneers for society. We don't want anyone to know who we really are. And we offer up something half opaque half mirrored thinking we are hiding what we don't want anyone knowing.
Don't judge a book by it's cover. Wise words, indeed.
Here's the guy with the sunglasses like a shield further buffered from the now with his Ipod. He's busy but oh-so-cool.
There's the guy with an all too together not at all planned out and put together look of tweed, stripes, plaid and undone gelled hair. He's hiding behind his paper and leaves to go off to a life that has to be fabulous. He probably toils away by day at the Gap in order to live while dreaming unfulfilled dreams.
So many people with lives I might envy. Bt if I and they knew the truth, it might be my life they envy.
This guy over here is far too tall and not at all comfortable in his skin. Thin, hunched, antsy, trying to shrink but still standing out in his wrinkled professorial clothing. I wonder where he's going.
They liken us to books. With covers. That has a deep ring of truth. Never judge a book by it's cover. We all wear veneers for society. We don't want anyone to know who we really are. And we offer up something half opaque half mirrored thinking we are hiding what we don't want anyone knowing.
Don't judge a book by it's cover. Wise words, indeed.
Friday, June 15, 2007
Changes Changes Everywhere
Wow - it's been almost 5 months since I've posted anything. 5 months is a long time. And a lot has happened in 5 months. At least I think so anyway. I wonder how many times I can say "5 months" in one paragraph? Hee.
In one of my previous posts from the beginning of the year, I'd pledged to begin taking care of myself. I'd gone to a psychiatrist and been prescribed medication and also had an upcoming appointment with a therapist. Let me say all of that is the best decision I have EVER made.
I'm still seeing the therapist. I've been seeing her once a week since January. Just being able to talk to someone objective has made all the difference in the world. I'm not a talker by nature at ALL and I thought it would be really weird. But you know what? It wasn't. And it's not. It's a very cathartic experience.
I feel so free. Much lighter. We started at where I was and now we're working backwards. I didn't really want to work backwards, because even though I didn't and still don't know all that troubles me (and really, who does?), I DID know that my troubles were most likely caused by past events. It's hard looking back but it's good for me. And it's making me stronger.
I knew I had many issues with my past. I knew my past made me very angry. I'm still angry. But at least now I can express it. Which is more than I can say of previous times. I carried that anger inside for so many years. I was angry that I was angry. I was angry that no one could SEE the anger. I was angry that I couldn't rid myself of the anger. I was angry that I couldn't EXPRESS the anger. And it was eating me up inside.
There are people in my life upon who my anger is projected towards. There are situations from my past that I am still angry about. Situations of growing up that made me angry as a child, and now as an adult the anger is very real and finally THERE as anger. As a child you feel something but there's no outlet, sometimes no name for it. And that stays with you, as it has me.
I've always been the "good" person. The calm one. The one that can "make-do". You have no idea how much that pisses me off. With the help of the therapist I am seeing what that has done to me. I am seeing what I can DO about it. I am seeing that though that WAS me, it doesn't have to BE me. Part of my anger is reconciling who I was FORCED to be (through circumstance and necessity) with who I AM.
I am going through so many changes so fast. I should be scared, but I'm not. I'm elated. I'm angry. I'm happy. I'm confused. I'm saddened. And I welcome ALL of that. I'm ridding myself of what I call my Tin Man Syndrome. I can FEEL.
For so long I felt dead inside. Unable to express emotion. Unable to FEEL emotion. No clue what I should be feeling in what situation. Only aware that "normal" people would feel something at some point in some situation. But I couldn't. I was so used to caging up all of who I was, that I lost my essence.
Depression is a bitch, ain't it? I am truly amazed at how much depression has affected my life. How much it has held me back. Medication has done wonders for me. I'm still on Lexapro and Klonopin. My Lexapro dosage was upped from 10 mg to 20 mg. My Klonopin, however, is being decreased gradually. By the end of the month, I will be off it completely. I've just gotten a prescription for Ambien because sometimes I have trouble "turning off" to sleep. But my sleep is so much better now than before. I used to go to bed late, still not sleepy, couldn't fall asleep, and once I fell asleep, I would wake up 4-5 times a night. So I was averaging MAYBE 3 hours of interrupted sleep. That makes the world so very gray and foggy. Now I'm working off of 6 to 7 hours of good sleep. And it has made a world of difference in how I feel physically.
I don't have panic attacks anymore (the upping the Lexapro dosage took care of that for good). I still have symptoms of PTSD (the sleeplessness), but nowhere near as bad as what it was. I know I still have the GAD, but its effects are being lessened every day through the medications and through therapy. And I still have depression. Depression is a part of my life, but no longer my WAY of life. I can tell if I'm in a down cycle. But I snap out of it. Being self-aware now, helps me a great deal. Therapy is teaching me how to deal with all of this.
No things aren't all birds and pretty flowers and trees, but at least I can see the world in color. I can't remember the last time I could do that. I have seriously been living in this horrible horrible gray state of turmoil AND nothingness for as long as I can remember. It doesn't seem quite so horrible when you're in it, even though you know something is wrong, but NOW, having some space and being able to peer from outside to inside, I honestly don't know how I lived in that.
I feel blessed this year. Very blessed. I feel that by finally admitting I had a problem and admitting I needed help, I started the process to free myself. By freeing myself, I opened myself up to new experiences and a new me. Something I'd feared before, but now welcome with open arms.
The amazing thing is that other people have noticed the changes in me. Being IN this, I didn't really think that there would be anything VISIBLY different, but apparently there is. My boss (now retired) was aware of what was going on (since therapy is during work hours) and she thoughtfully stated one day that I was such a different person. I was interactive. I was engaged. I was proactive. My roommate (who of course knew too) told me that I was different, as well. I was out of my room. Talkative. Animated. All of that shocked me. I had no idea that others could see or would see. It was and is still very touching to me that people care enough to validate what I feel inside.
At work, I'm doing well. Though my retired boss is still around two days out of the week, I am mostly on my own. I have a new boss, but she is our leader and very busy, so I'm entrusted to perform my own duties. That would've scared me shitless before, but now I'm confident. I've been at this post for 11 years and my feeling is "you can do this, girl". I'm smart, I'm educated, I'm well-trained, I'm fit for this job, and I'm qualified. So no problem. One thing at a time. One step at a time. And I'm good.
Also another very much unexpected change. I have been without a relationship for almost 5 years. I was not looking for a relationship. I did not want to meet anyone. I did not CARE to meet anyone. I was almost resentful that being with someone would take away my precious time.
Well wouldn't you know that shortly after staring the meds and therapy, I met someone. Wasn't even trying to meet anyone. But for whatever reason I was so open to him. And now I have a boyfriend. He means so much to me. We've grown close quickly but I'm very comfortable. It's still a fairly new thing for me, but I am blessed to have him in my life. Every day with him is a day I welcome. And I actually APPRECIATE him and enjoy his company. That is very very weird for me.
I am making an active effort to PARTICIPATE in this relationship. I'm 30 now (WOW!) and this is probably the most GROWN relationship I've been involved in. Real people. Real problems from the past. The real deal. And I couldn't be happier.
Once more I can see I wrote a lot. I've been writing for a half an hour at least. But that's me. I always love to write and now I have the energy to care enough to actually write. Gotta love it!
In one of my previous posts from the beginning of the year, I'd pledged to begin taking care of myself. I'd gone to a psychiatrist and been prescribed medication and also had an upcoming appointment with a therapist. Let me say all of that is the best decision I have EVER made.
I'm still seeing the therapist. I've been seeing her once a week since January. Just being able to talk to someone objective has made all the difference in the world. I'm not a talker by nature at ALL and I thought it would be really weird. But you know what? It wasn't. And it's not. It's a very cathartic experience.
I feel so free. Much lighter. We started at where I was and now we're working backwards. I didn't really want to work backwards, because even though I didn't and still don't know all that troubles me (and really, who does?), I DID know that my troubles were most likely caused by past events. It's hard looking back but it's good for me. And it's making me stronger.
I knew I had many issues with my past. I knew my past made me very angry. I'm still angry. But at least now I can express it. Which is more than I can say of previous times. I carried that anger inside for so many years. I was angry that I was angry. I was angry that no one could SEE the anger. I was angry that I couldn't rid myself of the anger. I was angry that I couldn't EXPRESS the anger. And it was eating me up inside.
There are people in my life upon who my anger is projected towards. There are situations from my past that I am still angry about. Situations of growing up that made me angry as a child, and now as an adult the anger is very real and finally THERE as anger. As a child you feel something but there's no outlet, sometimes no name for it. And that stays with you, as it has me.
I've always been the "good" person. The calm one. The one that can "make-do". You have no idea how much that pisses me off. With the help of the therapist I am seeing what that has done to me. I am seeing what I can DO about it. I am seeing that though that WAS me, it doesn't have to BE me. Part of my anger is reconciling who I was FORCED to be (through circumstance and necessity) with who I AM.
I am going through so many changes so fast. I should be scared, but I'm not. I'm elated. I'm angry. I'm happy. I'm confused. I'm saddened. And I welcome ALL of that. I'm ridding myself of what I call my Tin Man Syndrome. I can FEEL.
For so long I felt dead inside. Unable to express emotion. Unable to FEEL emotion. No clue what I should be feeling in what situation. Only aware that "normal" people would feel something at some point in some situation. But I couldn't. I was so used to caging up all of who I was, that I lost my essence.
Depression is a bitch, ain't it? I am truly amazed at how much depression has affected my life. How much it has held me back. Medication has done wonders for me. I'm still on Lexapro and Klonopin. My Lexapro dosage was upped from 10 mg to 20 mg. My Klonopin, however, is being decreased gradually. By the end of the month, I will be off it completely. I've just gotten a prescription for Ambien because sometimes I have trouble "turning off" to sleep. But my sleep is so much better now than before. I used to go to bed late, still not sleepy, couldn't fall asleep, and once I fell asleep, I would wake up 4-5 times a night. So I was averaging MAYBE 3 hours of interrupted sleep. That makes the world so very gray and foggy. Now I'm working off of 6 to 7 hours of good sleep. And it has made a world of difference in how I feel physically.
I don't have panic attacks anymore (the upping the Lexapro dosage took care of that for good). I still have symptoms of PTSD (the sleeplessness), but nowhere near as bad as what it was. I know I still have the GAD, but its effects are being lessened every day through the medications and through therapy. And I still have depression. Depression is a part of my life, but no longer my WAY of life. I can tell if I'm in a down cycle. But I snap out of it. Being self-aware now, helps me a great deal. Therapy is teaching me how to deal with all of this.
No things aren't all birds and pretty flowers and trees, but at least I can see the world in color. I can't remember the last time I could do that. I have seriously been living in this horrible horrible gray state of turmoil AND nothingness for as long as I can remember. It doesn't seem quite so horrible when you're in it, even though you know something is wrong, but NOW, having some space and being able to peer from outside to inside, I honestly don't know how I lived in that.
I feel blessed this year. Very blessed. I feel that by finally admitting I had a problem and admitting I needed help, I started the process to free myself. By freeing myself, I opened myself up to new experiences and a new me. Something I'd feared before, but now welcome with open arms.
The amazing thing is that other people have noticed the changes in me. Being IN this, I didn't really think that there would be anything VISIBLY different, but apparently there is. My boss (now retired) was aware of what was going on (since therapy is during work hours) and she thoughtfully stated one day that I was such a different person. I was interactive. I was engaged. I was proactive. My roommate (who of course knew too) told me that I was different, as well. I was out of my room. Talkative. Animated. All of that shocked me. I had no idea that others could see or would see. It was and is still very touching to me that people care enough to validate what I feel inside.
At work, I'm doing well. Though my retired boss is still around two days out of the week, I am mostly on my own. I have a new boss, but she is our leader and very busy, so I'm entrusted to perform my own duties. That would've scared me shitless before, but now I'm confident. I've been at this post for 11 years and my feeling is "you can do this, girl". I'm smart, I'm educated, I'm well-trained, I'm fit for this job, and I'm qualified. So no problem. One thing at a time. One step at a time. And I'm good.
Also another very much unexpected change. I have been without a relationship for almost 5 years. I was not looking for a relationship. I did not want to meet anyone. I did not CARE to meet anyone. I was almost resentful that being with someone would take away my precious time.
Well wouldn't you know that shortly after staring the meds and therapy, I met someone. Wasn't even trying to meet anyone. But for whatever reason I was so open to him. And now I have a boyfriend. He means so much to me. We've grown close quickly but I'm very comfortable. It's still a fairly new thing for me, but I am blessed to have him in my life. Every day with him is a day I welcome. And I actually APPRECIATE him and enjoy his company. That is very very weird for me.
I am making an active effort to PARTICIPATE in this relationship. I'm 30 now (WOW!) and this is probably the most GROWN relationship I've been involved in. Real people. Real problems from the past. The real deal. And I couldn't be happier.
Once more I can see I wrote a lot. I've been writing for a half an hour at least. But that's me. I always love to write and now I have the energy to care enough to actually write. Gotta love it!
Monday, January 22, 2007
5 Things You Didn't Know About Me
OK I've been tagged by Tonyette (www.tonsrandomspewings.blogspot.com)
1. I don't like people
I really don't like people. At all. Not all people, of course, but generally speaking. I think it's because I think people are stupid and not worth my time. People are superficial beings. And really not all that intelligent. They're dumb to the point of making me angry. I just tune them out and go to my own little world. Either that or talk about them in my head. I used to wonder why I didn't fit in and wish that I could. Now I realize that I'm different from the average person for whatever reason and I don't give a damn about fitting in. Because then I would be just as dumb as them, and then where would the fun of that be?
2. I'm secretly a fashionista
Sure I'm like why the hell would you spend $8000 on a purse when I'm struggling to save $1000 for a vacation. But I would love to be able to afford to dress like I want to. Nothing too extravagent, but something more well made than things I buy from Value City, Target, Burlington and occasionally Ross or Marshalls. I did just buy my first ever thing from Bebe. And I bought some new glasses by Fendi. And a few months ago I bought my first ever thing from Nordstrom (perfume). But just for once I'd like to be well put together so I'm not ashamed of how I look all the time. But I can't afford to look nice. I'm still paying my debt to society from where I screwed myself over during college.
3. The "Other" Me
There's another "me" that comes out sometimes. People don't really see her a lot. But she's actually the real me. The me that I would be if I wasn't forced to be this me that people expect to see. I'm not actually this boring, this quiet, this conservative, this whatever. I am currently the product of people's expectations. And I hate that more than you can know. I am slowly making my transition into the product of my own expectations and screw everyone else. I am convinced one cannot be completely happy unless one is true to one's self.
4. Possums
I hate possums. Those are the ugliest creatures (other than hagfish, but that's another story). It's not that they're ugly ugly, but they're sneaky. They always look like they're up to something. Like they're waiting for you to turn your back so they can rip your spinal cord out through your neck. Or sneak into your house and steal your young. What's the purpose of a possum, anyway?
5. Morning Glories Make Me Happy
Most people don't even know what a morning glory is. They're simple vined flowers that come in purple and pink shades. In the country they shut their blooms at night and open up with the dew and the sun every morning. Their beauty is in their simplicity. And they remind me of one time in my life where I was closest to being truly happy. Also honeysuckle and sassafrass make me happy. Honeysuckle is another vined flowering plant with yellow and white blossoms. you can pluck them and suck the nectar through the bottom. And the fragrance is so pretty. Sassafrass just smells good. You can follow your nose to the trees, pick a leaf, crush it, and the scent is amazing.
I tag my sister Miss Aly http://blog.myspace.com/starteddy
1. I don't like people
I really don't like people. At all. Not all people, of course, but generally speaking. I think it's because I think people are stupid and not worth my time. People are superficial beings. And really not all that intelligent. They're dumb to the point of making me angry. I just tune them out and go to my own little world. Either that or talk about them in my head. I used to wonder why I didn't fit in and wish that I could. Now I realize that I'm different from the average person for whatever reason and I don't give a damn about fitting in. Because then I would be just as dumb as them, and then where would the fun of that be?
2. I'm secretly a fashionista
Sure I'm like why the hell would you spend $8000 on a purse when I'm struggling to save $1000 for a vacation. But I would love to be able to afford to dress like I want to. Nothing too extravagent, but something more well made than things I buy from Value City, Target, Burlington and occasionally Ross or Marshalls. I did just buy my first ever thing from Bebe. And I bought some new glasses by Fendi. And a few months ago I bought my first ever thing from Nordstrom (perfume). But just for once I'd like to be well put together so I'm not ashamed of how I look all the time. But I can't afford to look nice. I'm still paying my debt to society from where I screwed myself over during college.
3. The "Other" Me
There's another "me" that comes out sometimes. People don't really see her a lot. But she's actually the real me. The me that I would be if I wasn't forced to be this me that people expect to see. I'm not actually this boring, this quiet, this conservative, this whatever. I am currently the product of people's expectations. And I hate that more than you can know. I am slowly making my transition into the product of my own expectations and screw everyone else. I am convinced one cannot be completely happy unless one is true to one's self.
4. Possums
I hate possums. Those are the ugliest creatures (other than hagfish, but that's another story). It's not that they're ugly ugly, but they're sneaky. They always look like they're up to something. Like they're waiting for you to turn your back so they can rip your spinal cord out through your neck. Or sneak into your house and steal your young. What's the purpose of a possum, anyway?
5. Morning Glories Make Me Happy
Most people don't even know what a morning glory is. They're simple vined flowers that come in purple and pink shades. In the country they shut their blooms at night and open up with the dew and the sun every morning. Their beauty is in their simplicity. And they remind me of one time in my life where I was closest to being truly happy. Also honeysuckle and sassafrass make me happy. Honeysuckle is another vined flowering plant with yellow and white blossoms. you can pluck them and suck the nectar through the bottom. And the fragrance is so pretty. Sassafrass just smells good. You can follow your nose to the trees, pick a leaf, crush it, and the scent is amazing.
I tag my sister Miss Aly http://blog.myspace.com/starteddy
Saturday, January 13, 2007
Resolutions and Such
I never make resolutions. Ever. I don't like being told what to do - not even by myself. Just a quirk I have. Or perhaps it's because I'm a Taurus. When I do decide to do something it is sudden and seemingly out of the blue. But not really as I give everything I do a lot of thought but only act on it suddenly.
So far this year I went to get my eyes checked. Something I really needed to do and was overdue for. Which is important since I wear contacts and can't see worth a damn without them. Everything's fine. I found a new eye doctor whom I really like, got a new contacts, a new type of contacts and splurged on some hot new glasses. Not that I wear them outside the comfort of my apartment, but still. The ones I have now are very old, very ugly, and literally held together by thread. I need to stop that. That making do type of shit. I was raised like that and as I grow older, I realize that it is totally not necessary at this juncture in my life to "make do". So why do it?
Something far more important I did was something that will hopefully save me the fate of other family members. I went to see a psychiatrist. Picked a name from my insurance list and went to him. Yes I need help. Yes I've known this for many years. It suddenly came to me the other week that again, why the hell should I make do? I'm not ashamed, so why shouldn't I help myself? It's exhausting me being as I have been probably since the age of 11. And getting progressively worse. The psychiatrist diagnosed me with general depression (which I suspected), general anxiety disorder (again, which I suspected), PTSD (suspected that, too) and panic attacks (had NO idea). And now I'm on two medications - Klonopin for the anxiety and Lexapro for the depression.
For the first time in a long time I can sleep at night. I fall asleep and don't wake up until my alarm goes off. Since I've only been on this stuff a week, of course I don't know the long-term effects, but I am optimistic. Not to pat myself on the back, but I am very proud of myself for saying fuck it, I'm doing something for myself and to hell with everything that has been bringing me down.
My psychiatrist also suggested a therapist for my PTSD issues. My first appointment with her is Wednesday. Lord knows what flood gates THAT will open. I am well aware I have more issues than just the PTSD. The main one being anger from childhood up through now. THAT should be fun when it comes out.
I've only told a few people about all of this. Again, not because I'm ashamed but because I don't need to hear shit like "Oh you just need some - that's why you're depressed" or "Well what do you have to be depressed about?" Spare me, people. Statements like that are why I think most people are flaming idiots and so not worth my time.
At any rate - I think this is a great start to '07. Instead of sitting on my ass wishing for change, I've started the cycle to MAKE change. And isn't that really all any of us can do?
So far this year I went to get my eyes checked. Something I really needed to do and was overdue for. Which is important since I wear contacts and can't see worth a damn without them. Everything's fine. I found a new eye doctor whom I really like, got a new contacts, a new type of contacts and splurged on some hot new glasses. Not that I wear them outside the comfort of my apartment, but still. The ones I have now are very old, very ugly, and literally held together by thread. I need to stop that. That making do type of shit. I was raised like that and as I grow older, I realize that it is totally not necessary at this juncture in my life to "make do". So why do it?
Something far more important I did was something that will hopefully save me the fate of other family members. I went to see a psychiatrist. Picked a name from my insurance list and went to him. Yes I need help. Yes I've known this for many years. It suddenly came to me the other week that again, why the hell should I make do? I'm not ashamed, so why shouldn't I help myself? It's exhausting me being as I have been probably since the age of 11. And getting progressively worse. The psychiatrist diagnosed me with general depression (which I suspected), general anxiety disorder (again, which I suspected), PTSD (suspected that, too) and panic attacks (had NO idea). And now I'm on two medications - Klonopin for the anxiety and Lexapro for the depression.
For the first time in a long time I can sleep at night. I fall asleep and don't wake up until my alarm goes off. Since I've only been on this stuff a week, of course I don't know the long-term effects, but I am optimistic. Not to pat myself on the back, but I am very proud of myself for saying fuck it, I'm doing something for myself and to hell with everything that has been bringing me down.
My psychiatrist also suggested a therapist for my PTSD issues. My first appointment with her is Wednesday. Lord knows what flood gates THAT will open. I am well aware I have more issues than just the PTSD. The main one being anger from childhood up through now. THAT should be fun when it comes out.
I've only told a few people about all of this. Again, not because I'm ashamed but because I don't need to hear shit like "Oh you just need some - that's why you're depressed" or "Well what do you have to be depressed about?" Spare me, people. Statements like that are why I think most people are flaming idiots and so not worth my time.
At any rate - I think this is a great start to '07. Instead of sitting on my ass wishing for change, I've started the cycle to MAKE change. And isn't that really all any of us can do?
Sunday, December 31, 2006
Happy New Year
Happy New Year everybody. Hope it's a safe, happy, healthy one for you all. Let's hope 2007 is blessed and way better than 2006.
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Holidays
Well Christmas is over. This was a good Christmas. This time last year seems so distant now. My mom had just had surgery earlier in the month and last Christmas was so subdued. There was no money for gifts and there was a small meal to prepare. Overall pretty dismal, though with a different focus than just "having".
This year everyone was able to afford gifts and put some thought into who was getting what. We had fun with our secrets, hiding things from each other, telling others what we got for the rest of the family. This year, the entire cost of the meal fell on me. I minded a little bit, but not much. I just wanted us to have a good time and I'd sort of figured it would be on me, so I was prepared.
This was a good ending to an OK year, for which I'm grateful. I wonder what the next year will bring? What will be different? What will be unexpected? What will be new? What will be the same?
This year everyone was able to afford gifts and put some thought into who was getting what. We had fun with our secrets, hiding things from each other, telling others what we got for the rest of the family. This year, the entire cost of the meal fell on me. I minded a little bit, but not much. I just wanted us to have a good time and I'd sort of figured it would be on me, so I was prepared.
This was a good ending to an OK year, for which I'm grateful. I wonder what the next year will bring? What will be different? What will be unexpected? What will be new? What will be the same?
Monday, November 27, 2006
What You Need To Know
So there’s a person I know…am getting to know better…something. OK we’ll go with “there’s a person I know” for simplicity’s sake. Anyway. They’ve become very important to me in a relatively short period of time. I’m not one to put any emphasis on time limits, “right time”, “wrong time”, etc. This is jus a point of reference. Where was I? Oh right. Important people.
So yeah, this person is so very important to me. Maybe more than they should be. Or maybe not. I make no apologies – it is what is. I don’t think they realize the importance they have in my life. Sure I’ve alluded to it, but they don’t really know. I don’t think they feel that they’re worthy of it. Or worth it. But they are. They really really are.
This person is going through a very difficult time right now and it will be an uphill battle for them for quite some time. Maybe forever. Uphill battles are always a series of never-ending hills. I guess God doesn’t want some of us to get bored.
I don’t think this person has encountered this level of difficulty before and they are having to let go of self –reliance and rely on others. It’s not coming easy. They are really beating themselves up over the situation. Oh they don’t say it in so many words, but, I can tell, I can feel it. It took them a while to tell me what was going on. And when they did finally tell me, they said they were ashamed to tell me. I tried to reassure them not to be ashamed to tell me. I would not judge them and I was there to support.
They accepted that outwardly, but I think inwardly it is a struggle. I wish there was some way to really reassure them. I hold no judgment against them. I can’t understand what they are going through, not having been through it myself, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care. I am offering then m the only thing I can give. Myself. I am offering my time, my listening ear, my companionship, my heart. All of these are immaterial things that are dearest to me. Things I do not give easily. Things I do not give to everyone. Only to those who are deserving. And this person’s most deserving by far. I only wish they could see that.
I only wish they could see in themselves what I see. I see a special person. Someone with a lot of love to give and the biggest heart of anyone I know. A lot of thoughts to speak. A lot of wisdom to share. I want them to see that no, they are not a failure. People hiccup through life. Some hiccups are bigger than others. They are our experiences and what makes up our lives. There are no failures.
Sometimes I can feel this person pushing me away. It hurts, it makes me angry and frustrated, but I know why they do this. The shame. Not wanting to hurt me by starting something they feel they are not in the position to start. On some level believing they are not worthy and I shouldn’t be bothered. Vulnerability and uncertainty in themselves, both of which are very new emotions for them. And general turmoil. I don’t say anything. I just take this person as they come. I relish their attention when they can give it and I enjoy memories of conversations, when they can’t. They have enough going on without me pushing them and pulling them.
But at the same time, I make myself known, I make my presence felt. And I hope that I am sending the message that though they may try to get rid of me, they can’t. I won’t go. They don’t seem tot understand that this is my choice. They are my choice. Free will. No one takes away my free will. This. Is. My. Choice. Period. I know what I can handle and can’t handle. I know what I‘ve handled in the past. I can and will stick with them through this and beyond. They hope that I can and will, but they are half-expecting me to do disappear. That’s not how I work. That’s not me. I am stronger than that and I am strong for the both of us. Don’t underestimate me.
I know they are used to being the alpha. I understand that. But sometimes, life throws you for a loop and you can’t always be the alpha. Uncomfortable, yes. But get used to it, get over it, move on. There is a time, place, and reason for everything.
Every day I pray for this person. I pray for their strength, their well-being, their success, and their coping. I pray that I can be what they need when they need it. I pray that I don’t say or do something wrong to make them feel worse about themselves during this time. And perhaps selfishly, I pray for us. NO there isn’t an us yet, but there should be. I’m not some crazy stalker, but we’ve had conversations. We know where this would be right now if things were different. We know where we want things to head. We know what it is. For whatever reason, it is this time and this place. And it is unlike anything either of us has ever experienced. It is the hardest thing, but the most right. It is scary. It is exhilarating. It is uncertainty at its best. And it is what is meant to be, what has been destined, what will succeed.
This person will most likely never read this (I don’t think they know about this blog), and perhaps they never should. Or maybe not right now. But I’m a strong believer in putting it out there. It is out there in the universe, speaking its volumes, speaking loudly and there for its truth. It is spoken into existence. And that is all that I can do. It is. I acknowledge. I accept.
Some way, some form; this will reach the ears, eyes and heart of someone who needs these words. Maybe it will be them; maybe it will be someone else, too. Words have power. People have power. Those two together are all the power one needs.
So why did I write this? These are all things floating in my head. Things I’ve been mulling over or several weeks now. I’m not in a position to say them to the person I think needs to hear them or see them, but it’s out now. And in print. All I can do, right? I can care, I can feel, I can put that all out there. And I can love.
So yeah, this person is so very important to me. Maybe more than they should be. Or maybe not. I make no apologies – it is what is. I don’t think they realize the importance they have in my life. Sure I’ve alluded to it, but they don’t really know. I don’t think they feel that they’re worthy of it. Or worth it. But they are. They really really are.
This person is going through a very difficult time right now and it will be an uphill battle for them for quite some time. Maybe forever. Uphill battles are always a series of never-ending hills. I guess God doesn’t want some of us to get bored.
I don’t think this person has encountered this level of difficulty before and they are having to let go of self –reliance and rely on others. It’s not coming easy. They are really beating themselves up over the situation. Oh they don’t say it in so many words, but, I can tell, I can feel it. It took them a while to tell me what was going on. And when they did finally tell me, they said they were ashamed to tell me. I tried to reassure them not to be ashamed to tell me. I would not judge them and I was there to support.
They accepted that outwardly, but I think inwardly it is a struggle. I wish there was some way to really reassure them. I hold no judgment against them. I can’t understand what they are going through, not having been through it myself, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care. I am offering then m the only thing I can give. Myself. I am offering my time, my listening ear, my companionship, my heart. All of these are immaterial things that are dearest to me. Things I do not give easily. Things I do not give to everyone. Only to those who are deserving. And this person’s most deserving by far. I only wish they could see that.
I only wish they could see in themselves what I see. I see a special person. Someone with a lot of love to give and the biggest heart of anyone I know. A lot of thoughts to speak. A lot of wisdom to share. I want them to see that no, they are not a failure. People hiccup through life. Some hiccups are bigger than others. They are our experiences and what makes up our lives. There are no failures.
Sometimes I can feel this person pushing me away. It hurts, it makes me angry and frustrated, but I know why they do this. The shame. Not wanting to hurt me by starting something they feel they are not in the position to start. On some level believing they are not worthy and I shouldn’t be bothered. Vulnerability and uncertainty in themselves, both of which are very new emotions for them. And general turmoil. I don’t say anything. I just take this person as they come. I relish their attention when they can give it and I enjoy memories of conversations, when they can’t. They have enough going on without me pushing them and pulling them.
But at the same time, I make myself known, I make my presence felt. And I hope that I am sending the message that though they may try to get rid of me, they can’t. I won’t go. They don’t seem tot understand that this is my choice. They are my choice. Free will. No one takes away my free will. This. Is. My. Choice. Period. I know what I can handle and can’t handle. I know what I‘ve handled in the past. I can and will stick with them through this and beyond. They hope that I can and will, but they are half-expecting me to do disappear. That’s not how I work. That’s not me. I am stronger than that and I am strong for the both of us. Don’t underestimate me.
I know they are used to being the alpha. I understand that. But sometimes, life throws you for a loop and you can’t always be the alpha. Uncomfortable, yes. But get used to it, get over it, move on. There is a time, place, and reason for everything.
Every day I pray for this person. I pray for their strength, their well-being, their success, and their coping. I pray that I can be what they need when they need it. I pray that I don’t say or do something wrong to make them feel worse about themselves during this time. And perhaps selfishly, I pray for us. NO there isn’t an us yet, but there should be. I’m not some crazy stalker, but we’ve had conversations. We know where this would be right now if things were different. We know where we want things to head. We know what it is. For whatever reason, it is this time and this place. And it is unlike anything either of us has ever experienced. It is the hardest thing, but the most right. It is scary. It is exhilarating. It is uncertainty at its best. And it is what is meant to be, what has been destined, what will succeed.
This person will most likely never read this (I don’t think they know about this blog), and perhaps they never should. Or maybe not right now. But I’m a strong believer in putting it out there. It is out there in the universe, speaking its volumes, speaking loudly and there for its truth. It is spoken into existence. And that is all that I can do. It is. I acknowledge. I accept.
Some way, some form; this will reach the ears, eyes and heart of someone who needs these words. Maybe it will be them; maybe it will be someone else, too. Words have power. People have power. Those two together are all the power one needs.
So why did I write this? These are all things floating in my head. Things I’ve been mulling over or several weeks now. I’m not in a position to say them to the person I think needs to hear them or see them, but it’s out now. And in print. All I can do, right? I can care, I can feel, I can put that all out there. And I can love.
Monday, September 25, 2006
No I'm Not Jumping Off A Bridge - I'm Just Writing
Ah it’s Monday again.
This Monday is better than last Monday. I was barely holding it together then. I was seriously on the verge of losing it. I woke up and then the darkness set in. I don’t know if it was because it was Monday or because mornings stress me or what. But I almost stayed home.
I couldn’t face the thought of going outside in the dark. That whole masked gunman thing messes with my head all the time, and even more when it gets dark in the mornings. I hate that. But I gotta live with it. I’ve done it for two years now, so whatever. I did go outside and make it to work safely, but for the rest of the day I was super on edge. I
’m on edge a lot because of how I feel when I go outside. Then I’m on edge in my apartment because I’m always like who’s gonna break in (which hasn’t happened and it better not) or who’s gonna have a fire (which has happened). I spend much of my time being unsettled by something and it all adds up occasionally.
Anyway as I said, I was super on edge. Then I was just so sad that day and the rest of the week. Sad about what I don’t know. But I get like that sometimes.
When it’s all too much and the little stresses add up to big stresses and I wish things were different and recognize what I wish, it all just comes crashing down. Then I have to climb out of the pit and go back to holding things back until the next crash.
I’m mostly better today, as I always am. The darkness is still there lurking in the shadows as it does. But as long as I can keep it at bay, I’m good. This is why I like to take vacations twice a year and go to my happy place (Vegas, of course). Just for a little while I can forget.
That is one place I am truly happy, truly my (crazy) self, and truly light. I’m not held down by the job, my own wants, or any of the stuff that lives in the darkness. So for at least two weeks out of the year I am truly free.
It’s a good thing I write or I’d go truly crazy. My thoughts aren’t something I bring up in daily conversation ever. Imagine how that would go. That’s an amusing thought. People would think I needed to be committed. And I’m not sure I would disagree.
Which leads me to think about what people are really like on the inside. Speaking for myself, what people see on the outside is not who I am. It is either who (grammar check says “whom”, but that doesn’t sound right) I purposely portray by controlling what people see and/or it is what people prefer to see me as either through ignorance or blindness. Which it is or how much of both, I haven’t figured out yet.
In part, I control what I portray for some obvious and not so obvious reasons. For instance, at work I portray the quiet, conservative, well-mannered, submissive, seemingly hard-working me. In truth yes I’m quiet but not that quiet, I am conservative neither in dress nor views, well-mannered only when I need or want to be and in most cases I’m thinking something else, submissive not so much and hard-working hardly since I’m so not motivated and my work is not even an eighth as challenging as it should be.
Around most friends I flit in and out not really making an impression. That’s mostly because though I like my friends, I have very little in common with them outside of superficial things. I have very little in common with most people, to be honest. I find people to be alternately boring, curious, or stupid. I’ve never felt as though I’ve fit in among any particular group for various reasons. And since humans are a group, count that one, too.
But back to the topic – the various facets of who we are. I am, I think, more myself when I’m away than at other times. It is far easier to be me when I am around people who don’t know who I am. There are no expectations. They won’t know if something doesn’t fit with how I normally am or how they think I normally am. I wish there was some easy way to just switch to who I have become. But there’s not. So I just have to kind of work the new me in and slowly allow those that know me to see these new things. Otherwise known as “growth” or “maturity”. Or at least that’s what the textbooks call it.
There are several incarnations of me. The quiet introspective (not a surprise). The angry wannabe rebel. The thoughtful intellectual. The writer and music lover. Yep. All me. But who is more me? That’s what I’m trying to figure out. And how do I work all of that into the forefront? Or do I? I think that’s what life is really about. Forget finding yourself. It’s being yourself.
This Monday is better than last Monday. I was barely holding it together then. I was seriously on the verge of losing it. I woke up and then the darkness set in. I don’t know if it was because it was Monday or because mornings stress me or what. But I almost stayed home.
I couldn’t face the thought of going outside in the dark. That whole masked gunman thing messes with my head all the time, and even more when it gets dark in the mornings. I hate that. But I gotta live with it. I’ve done it for two years now, so whatever. I did go outside and make it to work safely, but for the rest of the day I was super on edge. I
’m on edge a lot because of how I feel when I go outside. Then I’m on edge in my apartment because I’m always like who’s gonna break in (which hasn’t happened and it better not) or who’s gonna have a fire (which has happened). I spend much of my time being unsettled by something and it all adds up occasionally.
Anyway as I said, I was super on edge. Then I was just so sad that day and the rest of the week. Sad about what I don’t know. But I get like that sometimes.
When it’s all too much and the little stresses add up to big stresses and I wish things were different and recognize what I wish, it all just comes crashing down. Then I have to climb out of the pit and go back to holding things back until the next crash.
I’m mostly better today, as I always am. The darkness is still there lurking in the shadows as it does. But as long as I can keep it at bay, I’m good. This is why I like to take vacations twice a year and go to my happy place (Vegas, of course). Just for a little while I can forget.
That is one place I am truly happy, truly my (crazy) self, and truly light. I’m not held down by the job, my own wants, or any of the stuff that lives in the darkness. So for at least two weeks out of the year I am truly free.
It’s a good thing I write or I’d go truly crazy. My thoughts aren’t something I bring up in daily conversation ever. Imagine how that would go. That’s an amusing thought. People would think I needed to be committed. And I’m not sure I would disagree.
Which leads me to think about what people are really like on the inside. Speaking for myself, what people see on the outside is not who I am. It is either who (grammar check says “whom”, but that doesn’t sound right) I purposely portray by controlling what people see and/or it is what people prefer to see me as either through ignorance or blindness. Which it is or how much of both, I haven’t figured out yet.
In part, I control what I portray for some obvious and not so obvious reasons. For instance, at work I portray the quiet, conservative, well-mannered, submissive, seemingly hard-working me. In truth yes I’m quiet but not that quiet, I am conservative neither in dress nor views, well-mannered only when I need or want to be and in most cases I’m thinking something else, submissive not so much and hard-working hardly since I’m so not motivated and my work is not even an eighth as challenging as it should be.
Around most friends I flit in and out not really making an impression. That’s mostly because though I like my friends, I have very little in common with them outside of superficial things. I have very little in common with most people, to be honest. I find people to be alternately boring, curious, or stupid. I’ve never felt as though I’ve fit in among any particular group for various reasons. And since humans are a group, count that one, too.
But back to the topic – the various facets of who we are. I am, I think, more myself when I’m away than at other times. It is far easier to be me when I am around people who don’t know who I am. There are no expectations. They won’t know if something doesn’t fit with how I normally am or how they think I normally am. I wish there was some easy way to just switch to who I have become. But there’s not. So I just have to kind of work the new me in and slowly allow those that know me to see these new things. Otherwise known as “growth” or “maturity”. Or at least that’s what the textbooks call it.
There are several incarnations of me. The quiet introspective (not a surprise). The angry wannabe rebel. The thoughtful intellectual. The writer and music lover. Yep. All me. But who is more me? That’s what I’m trying to figure out. And how do I work all of that into the forefront? Or do I? I think that’s what life is really about. Forget finding yourself. It’s being yourself.
Saturday, September 02, 2006
Anger
It seems like I spend a great deal of my life being angry.
Looking at me, talking to me, knowing me, you wouldn't think I'm an angry person. I'm not in that sense of the word, I suppose. I'm not a punch the walls, kick an animal, alienate everyone I know type of angry person. Mine goes much deeper than that. And I can't say that I'm angry about anything specific. More like angry at circumstances. Angry at myself. Angry at the air I breathe. I have the type of anger that is indescribable. And it is for that reason that I cannot let it escape. I don't even think I know how to let it escape. I have no outlet. Though that's not for trying. It's just that it goes so deep, winds through every fiber of who I am, I think I would crumble into nothingness without it.
Honestly I don't think being this angry is all that bad. It's not all-consuming ruining my life. Not that I can see, anyway. Perhaps I'll look back twenty years from now and go "Wow, I really should've seen that coming." But for now I'm good. I think it's my driving force. Or would be my driving force if I got off my ass. But that's another blog.
So what am I angry about? What am I not angry about is more like it. Oh I have a lot of issues. I know this. It would make for interesting conversations if I had people to talk to myself about. People other than myself, I mean. At least I entertain myself with my tales.
I get angry about how I was treated in school. First grade through twelfth grade were not my best years. First through sixth grades were particularly hellacious. I'm angry at the people who couldn't accept me for who I was. I'm angry that I couldn't accept myself for who I was and therefore couldn't adequately defend myself to those people. I'm angry that all that still follows me to this day.
What else?
I'm angry at the way I grew up. Not where I lived or my parents or anything (though some of that was weird - another blog, again). But I grew up shackled to religion. Not even religion, but a church. I don't even know where to begin with that. Again - another blog. That's a very large, tangled can of worms. That's all I'm gonna say about that. For now.
I'm angry that my life isn't what I thought it would be, what I want it to be, what it should be. And I'm angry that I have no earthly idea what any of that means or what I want it to mean. No, I'm not confused. Just...in limbo. Yeah that's a good word. Neither here nor there. And not sure where here or there actually are or what they mean.
As I said before, I try to have outlets. Writing - whether through poetry or through blogging or through good old fashioned pen and paper journaling. Music - I love any and all music. It depends on my mood what I listen to and the music either expresses my feelings or at least soothes them. Whatever they may be. Books - I have been in love with books and reading since I can remember. Words have power. They can transport you to other places and make you forget yourself just for that moment. Reading is my meditation. Vegas - I know, I know. How does that work? Vegas is the first place I have been where I was completely transformed into me. I didn't expect it. At all. I turned into the me I know myself to be and it was ok. I found out that I liked that me that no one else sees.
And that's where I am now. Slowly transforming into the real me. Screw what everyone else may think or expect me to be or do. I'm doing me. Which is why I'm not too concerned about the anger. Sometimes transformation is not particularly neat or comfortable. And with that comes anger as I discover things, think about things, dwell on things too long hidden. It's refreshing. It's exciting. It's angry. And it's wonderful.
Looking at me, talking to me, knowing me, you wouldn't think I'm an angry person. I'm not in that sense of the word, I suppose. I'm not a punch the walls, kick an animal, alienate everyone I know type of angry person. Mine goes much deeper than that. And I can't say that I'm angry about anything specific. More like angry at circumstances. Angry at myself. Angry at the air I breathe. I have the type of anger that is indescribable. And it is for that reason that I cannot let it escape. I don't even think I know how to let it escape. I have no outlet. Though that's not for trying. It's just that it goes so deep, winds through every fiber of who I am, I think I would crumble into nothingness without it.
Honestly I don't think being this angry is all that bad. It's not all-consuming ruining my life. Not that I can see, anyway. Perhaps I'll look back twenty years from now and go "Wow, I really should've seen that coming." But for now I'm good. I think it's my driving force. Or would be my driving force if I got off my ass. But that's another blog.
So what am I angry about? What am I not angry about is more like it. Oh I have a lot of issues. I know this. It would make for interesting conversations if I had people to talk to myself about. People other than myself, I mean. At least I entertain myself with my tales.
I get angry about how I was treated in school. First grade through twelfth grade were not my best years. First through sixth grades were particularly hellacious. I'm angry at the people who couldn't accept me for who I was. I'm angry that I couldn't accept myself for who I was and therefore couldn't adequately defend myself to those people. I'm angry that all that still follows me to this day.
What else?
I'm angry at the way I grew up. Not where I lived or my parents or anything (though some of that was weird - another blog, again). But I grew up shackled to religion. Not even religion, but a church. I don't even know where to begin with that. Again - another blog. That's a very large, tangled can of worms. That's all I'm gonna say about that. For now.
I'm angry that my life isn't what I thought it would be, what I want it to be, what it should be. And I'm angry that I have no earthly idea what any of that means or what I want it to mean. No, I'm not confused. Just...in limbo. Yeah that's a good word. Neither here nor there. And not sure where here or there actually are or what they mean.
As I said before, I try to have outlets. Writing - whether through poetry or through blogging or through good old fashioned pen and paper journaling. Music - I love any and all music. It depends on my mood what I listen to and the music either expresses my feelings or at least soothes them. Whatever they may be. Books - I have been in love with books and reading since I can remember. Words have power. They can transport you to other places and make you forget yourself just for that moment. Reading is my meditation. Vegas - I know, I know. How does that work? Vegas is the first place I have been where I was completely transformed into me. I didn't expect it. At all. I turned into the me I know myself to be and it was ok. I found out that I liked that me that no one else sees.
And that's where I am now. Slowly transforming into the real me. Screw what everyone else may think or expect me to be or do. I'm doing me. Which is why I'm not too concerned about the anger. Sometimes transformation is not particularly neat or comfortable. And with that comes anger as I discover things, think about things, dwell on things too long hidden. It's refreshing. It's exciting. It's angry. And it's wonderful.
Friday, April 28, 2006
My Birthday
Well, my birthday is tomorrow. I'll be 29. I don't know whether to be depressed or not. Birthdays always depress me, but this one is different. It's my last year in my 20's. The end of an era, so to speak. Definitely the end of a decade. Next year I'll be 30. It's a little sad. I'm a little sad. OK, a lot sad. But that can't be helped.
As I look back on my 20's I can't really say whether I've changed a lot as a person or not. It's hard to be objective when you're talking about yourself. Sure I'm grateful I'm alive. I could be dead. I have a roof over my head. I have an OK paying job. I have an education.
But I'll be the first one to admit my life is not what I want it to be. I'm not who I want to be. I'm not where I want to be. And I don't know how to get to who or where I want to be. Oh, I know some things I need to do to change what I want to change, but I have no clear goal in mind. I have no direct plan. I just know that I want or need to be different. Inside I am a very different person than who I portray on the outside. I just need to figure out how to bring the inner person out. I need to learn to say screw everything and everybody and just be me. I shouldn't have to be the one to be nice and be who I'm expected to be. It's everyone else's job to adjust to who I am. That sounds mean, I guess, but oh well. It is what it is.
As I look back over the past decade, good things have happened, bad things have happened, and I've started to sit back and look at myself and discover some things that I wasn't aware of. I think I like who I could be - enough to realize that who I could be is who I should be. I should be me. Me makes me happy. And the more I fight that the unhappier I will be.
Just ten years ago I was a second semester sophomore in college. I hadn't really come into myself yet. Or at least that version of myself. The me then was a student. Struggling through Honors Organic Chemistry and discovering, surprisingly, that I liked it and I could do it and I had been selling myself short because I'd always assumed I couldn't do chemistry. Lesson learned - you never know unless you try - and if you really try, you may do something unexpected. Later that year I met the man who would be my first "adult" boyfriend. That was the year of my very first date (I know - late bloomer...very).
The next year? More of the same. And I changed physically for the first time - actually doing something I wanted to do - cut my hair into an actual style and switched out my glasses for contacts. That was my so-called "sexy" year. What a laugh that was. The following year was just TIRING. My senior year. Lots of different experiences - I mostly remember that year with a fondness. But things happened so fast. The boyfriend left (he felt "crowded") unexpectedly and that threw me for a loop. Fortunatley, I had to concentrate on school. I turned 21. Three weeks after that, I graduated. Three weeks after that, I moved across the state and got my own apartment and started this job (where I'd been interning before).
And that's pretty much how it has been since then. I fell into the "adult" rut. Living, eating, working. Recovering from my break-up. And got into another relationship. This time I was the adult, the teacher. And then that ended. Man mistakes here and there, but nothing serious. The old boyfriend came back, but I keep him at arm's length. He's there, but only because I have nothing better to do. And work continues. I
had some scary moments in the last couple of years, my first mugging (joy) and my first experience with my apartment building catching on fire (note to self: renters insurance is your friend). I also survived a tornado.
Something great also happened in the last couple of years. Call it quarter-life crisis, if you must, but I finally started blossoming. I discovered that I like being single. I like being by myself. I'm not conservative. I'm not normal. I never have been. But I figured out that that's OK. And I figured out that I like that in myself. I think I'm interesting, even if no one else does. And that's OK too.
And I discovered a love for Vegas. So much so, that I know that's where I want to be. I've been other places before. And they were nice. But they were just that - nice places. This place is different. Something happened to me there and continues to happen. And it's started a ball rolling that I don't want to stop and that I have to do everything in my power to keep rolling. I'm stronger than I think and I'm as strong as I portray but I'm also weaker. Much, much weaker. But that makes me....me. And in the end, that's the only way I can be.
I might not always like where I am, who I am, what I am - but it's all leading somewhere. It's all helping me grow. And it's all helping me learn. All I can do is hang on and go along for the ride. And I plan to do so. Screaming and laughing and fighting the whole way.
And so I've decided - Happy 29th Birthday to me - 2006 is going to be my year. It has to be - it has no choice - this is my life, and it's up to me to welcome it and make it what it is.
As I look back on my 20's I can't really say whether I've changed a lot as a person or not. It's hard to be objective when you're talking about yourself. Sure I'm grateful I'm alive. I could be dead. I have a roof over my head. I have an OK paying job. I have an education.
But I'll be the first one to admit my life is not what I want it to be. I'm not who I want to be. I'm not where I want to be. And I don't know how to get to who or where I want to be. Oh, I know some things I need to do to change what I want to change, but I have no clear goal in mind. I have no direct plan. I just know that I want or need to be different. Inside I am a very different person than who I portray on the outside. I just need to figure out how to bring the inner person out. I need to learn to say screw everything and everybody and just be me. I shouldn't have to be the one to be nice and be who I'm expected to be. It's everyone else's job to adjust to who I am. That sounds mean, I guess, but oh well. It is what it is.
As I look back over the past decade, good things have happened, bad things have happened, and I've started to sit back and look at myself and discover some things that I wasn't aware of. I think I like who I could be - enough to realize that who I could be is who I should be. I should be me. Me makes me happy. And the more I fight that the unhappier I will be.
Just ten years ago I was a second semester sophomore in college. I hadn't really come into myself yet. Or at least that version of myself. The me then was a student. Struggling through Honors Organic Chemistry and discovering, surprisingly, that I liked it and I could do it and I had been selling myself short because I'd always assumed I couldn't do chemistry. Lesson learned - you never know unless you try - and if you really try, you may do something unexpected. Later that year I met the man who would be my first "adult" boyfriend. That was the year of my very first date (I know - late bloomer...very).
The next year? More of the same. And I changed physically for the first time - actually doing something I wanted to do - cut my hair into an actual style and switched out my glasses for contacts. That was my so-called "sexy" year. What a laugh that was. The following year was just TIRING. My senior year. Lots of different experiences - I mostly remember that year with a fondness. But things happened so fast. The boyfriend left (he felt "crowded") unexpectedly and that threw me for a loop. Fortunatley, I had to concentrate on school. I turned 21. Three weeks after that, I graduated. Three weeks after that, I moved across the state and got my own apartment and started this job (where I'd been interning before).
And that's pretty much how it has been since then. I fell into the "adult" rut. Living, eating, working. Recovering from my break-up. And got into another relationship. This time I was the adult, the teacher. And then that ended. Man mistakes here and there, but nothing serious. The old boyfriend came back, but I keep him at arm's length. He's there, but only because I have nothing better to do. And work continues. I
had some scary moments in the last couple of years, my first mugging (joy) and my first experience with my apartment building catching on fire (note to self: renters insurance is your friend). I also survived a tornado.
Something great also happened in the last couple of years. Call it quarter-life crisis, if you must, but I finally started blossoming. I discovered that I like being single. I like being by myself. I'm not conservative. I'm not normal. I never have been. But I figured out that that's OK. And I figured out that I like that in myself. I think I'm interesting, even if no one else does. And that's OK too.
And I discovered a love for Vegas. So much so, that I know that's where I want to be. I've been other places before. And they were nice. But they were just that - nice places. This place is different. Something happened to me there and continues to happen. And it's started a ball rolling that I don't want to stop and that I have to do everything in my power to keep rolling. I'm stronger than I think and I'm as strong as I portray but I'm also weaker. Much, much weaker. But that makes me....me. And in the end, that's the only way I can be.
I might not always like where I am, who I am, what I am - but it's all leading somewhere. It's all helping me grow. And it's all helping me learn. All I can do is hang on and go along for the ride. And I plan to do so. Screaming and laughing and fighting the whole way.
And so I've decided - Happy 29th Birthday to me - 2006 is going to be my year. It has to be - it has no choice - this is my life, and it's up to me to welcome it and make it what it is.
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