Monday, November 27, 2006

What You Need To Know

So there’s a person I know…am getting to know better…something. OK we’ll go with “there’s a person I know” for simplicity’s sake. Anyway. They’ve become very important to me in a relatively short period of time. I’m not one to put any emphasis on time limits, “right time”, “wrong time”, etc. This is jus a point of reference. Where was I? Oh right. Important people.

So yeah, this person is so very important to me. Maybe more than they should be. Or maybe not. I make no apologies – it is what is. I don’t think they realize the importance they have in my life. Sure I’ve alluded to it, but they don’t really know. I don’t think they feel that they’re worthy of it. Or worth it. But they are. They really really are.
This person is going through a very difficult time right now and it will be an uphill battle for them for quite some time. Maybe forever. Uphill battles are always a series of never-ending hills. I guess God doesn’t want some of us to get bored.

I don’t think this person has encountered this level of difficulty before and they are having to let go of self –reliance and rely on others. It’s not coming easy. They are really beating themselves up over the situation. Oh they don’t say it in so many words, but, I can tell, I can feel it. It took them a while to tell me what was going on. And when they did finally tell me, they said they were ashamed to tell me. I tried to reassure them not to be ashamed to tell me. I would not judge them and I was there to support.

They accepted that outwardly, but I think inwardly it is a struggle. I wish there was some way to really reassure them. I hold no judgment against them. I can’t understand what they are going through, not having been through it myself, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care. I am offering then m the only thing I can give. Myself. I am offering my time, my listening ear, my companionship, my heart. All of these are immaterial things that are dearest to me. Things I do not give easily. Things I do not give to everyone. Only to those who are deserving. And this person’s most deserving by far. I only wish they could see that.

I only wish they could see in themselves what I see. I see a special person. Someone with a lot of love to give and the biggest heart of anyone I know. A lot of thoughts to speak. A lot of wisdom to share. I want them to see that no, they are not a failure. People hiccup through life. Some hiccups are bigger than others. They are our experiences and what makes up our lives. There are no failures.

Sometimes I can feel this person pushing me away. It hurts, it makes me angry and frustrated, but I know why they do this. The shame. Not wanting to hurt me by starting something they feel they are not in the position to start. On some level believing they are not worthy and I shouldn’t be bothered. Vulnerability and uncertainty in themselves, both of which are very new emotions for them. And general turmoil. I don’t say anything. I just take this person as they come. I relish their attention when they can give it and I enjoy memories of conversations, when they can’t. They have enough going on without me pushing them and pulling them.

But at the same time, I make myself known, I make my presence felt. And I hope that I am sending the message that though they may try to get rid of me, they can’t. I won’t go. They don’t seem tot understand that this is my choice. They are my choice. Free will. No one takes away my free will. This. Is. My. Choice. Period. I know what I can handle and can’t handle. I know what I‘ve handled in the past. I can and will stick with them through this and beyond. They hope that I can and will, but they are half-expecting me to do disappear. That’s not how I work. That’s not me. I am stronger than that and I am strong for the both of us. Don’t underestimate me.

I know they are used to being the alpha. I understand that. But sometimes, life throws you for a loop and you can’t always be the alpha. Uncomfortable, yes. But get used to it, get over it, move on. There is a time, place, and reason for everything.

Every day I pray for this person. I pray for their strength, their well-being, their success, and their coping. I pray that I can be what they need when they need it. I pray that I don’t say or do something wrong to make them feel worse about themselves during this time. And perhaps selfishly, I pray for us. NO there isn’t an us yet, but there should be. I’m not some crazy stalker, but we’ve had conversations. We know where this would be right now if things were different. We know where we want things to head. We know what it is. For whatever reason, it is this time and this place. And it is unlike anything either of us has ever experienced. It is the hardest thing, but the most right. It is scary. It is exhilarating. It is uncertainty at its best. And it is what is meant to be, what has been destined, what will succeed.

This person will most likely never read this (I don’t think they know about this blog), and perhaps they never should. Or maybe not right now. But I’m a strong believer in putting it out there. It is out there in the universe, speaking its volumes, speaking loudly and there for its truth. It is spoken into existence. And that is all that I can do. It is. I acknowledge. I accept.

Some way, some form; this will reach the ears, eyes and heart of someone who needs these words. Maybe it will be them; maybe it will be someone else, too. Words have power. People have power. Those two together are all the power one needs.

So why did I write this? These are all things floating in my head. Things I’ve been mulling over or several weeks now. I’m not in a position to say them to the person I think needs to hear them or see them, but it’s out now. And in print. All I can do, right? I can care, I can feel, I can put that all out there. And I can love.