Monday, January 22, 2007

5 Things You Didn't Know About Me

OK I've been tagged by Tonyette (

1. I don't like people
I really don't like people. At all. Not all people, of course, but generally speaking. I think it's because I think people are stupid and not worth my time. People are superficial beings. And really not all that intelligent. They're dumb to the point of making me angry. I just tune them out and go to my own little world. Either that or talk about them in my head. I used to wonder why I didn't fit in and wish that I could. Now I realize that I'm different from the average person for whatever reason and I don't give a damn about fitting in. Because then I would be just as dumb as them, and then where would the fun of that be?

2. I'm secretly a fashionista
Sure I'm like why the hell would you spend $8000 on a purse when I'm struggling to save $1000 for a vacation. But I would love to be able to afford to dress like I want to. Nothing too extravagent, but something more well made than things I buy from Value City, Target, Burlington and occasionally Ross or Marshalls. I did just buy my first ever thing from Bebe. And I bought some new glasses by Fendi. And a few months ago I bought my first ever thing from Nordstrom (perfume). But just for once I'd like to be well put together so I'm not ashamed of how I look all the time. But I can't afford to look nice. I'm still paying my debt to society from where I screwed myself over during college.

3. The "Other" Me
There's another "me" that comes out sometimes. People don't really see her a lot. But she's actually the real me. The me that I would be if I wasn't forced to be this me that people expect to see. I'm not actually this boring, this quiet, this conservative, this whatever. I am currently the product of people's expectations. And I hate that more than you can know. I am slowly making my transition into the product of my own expectations and screw everyone else. I am convinced one cannot be completely happy unless one is true to one's self.

4. Possums
I hate possums. Those are the ugliest creatures (other than hagfish, but that's another story). It's not that they're ugly ugly, but they're sneaky. They always look like they're up to something. Like they're waiting for you to turn your back so they can rip your spinal cord out through your neck. Or sneak into your house and steal your young. What's the purpose of a possum, anyway?

5. Morning Glories Make Me Happy
Most people don't even know what a morning glory is. They're simple vined flowers that come in purple and pink shades. In the country they shut their blooms at night and open up with the dew and the sun every morning. Their beauty is in their simplicity. And they remind me of one time in my life where I was closest to being truly happy. Also honeysuckle and sassafrass make me happy. Honeysuckle is another vined flowering plant with yellow and white blossoms. you can pluck them and suck the nectar through the bottom. And the fragrance is so pretty. Sassafrass just smells good. You can follow your nose to the trees, pick a leaf, crush it, and the scent is amazing.

I tag my sister Miss Aly

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Resolutions and Such

I never make resolutions. Ever. I don't like being told what to do - not even by myself. Just a quirk I have. Or perhaps it's because I'm a Taurus. When I do decide to do something it is sudden and seemingly out of the blue. But not really as I give everything I do a lot of thought but only act on it suddenly.

So far this year I went to get my eyes checked. Something I really needed to do and was overdue for. Which is important since I wear contacts and can't see worth a damn without them. Everything's fine. I found a new eye doctor whom I really like, got a new contacts, a new type of contacts and splurged on some hot new glasses. Not that I wear them outside the comfort of my apartment, but still. The ones I have now are very old, very ugly, and literally held together by thread. I need to stop that. That making do type of shit. I was raised like that and as I grow older, I realize that it is totally not necessary at this juncture in my life to "make do". So why do it?

Something far more important I did was something that will hopefully save me the fate of other family members. I went to see a psychiatrist. Picked a name from my insurance list and went to him. Yes I need help. Yes I've known this for many years. It suddenly came to me the other week that again, why the hell should I make do? I'm not ashamed, so why shouldn't I help myself? It's exhausting me being as I have been probably since the age of 11. And getting progressively worse. The psychiatrist diagnosed me with general depression (which I suspected), general anxiety disorder (again, which I suspected), PTSD (suspected that, too) and panic attacks (had NO idea). And now I'm on two medications - Klonopin for the anxiety and Lexapro for the depression.

For the first time in a long time I can sleep at night. I fall asleep and don't wake up until my alarm goes off. Since I've only been on this stuff a week, of course I don't know the long-term effects, but I am optimistic. Not to pat myself on the back, but I am very proud of myself for saying fuck it, I'm doing something for myself and to hell with everything that has been bringing me down.

My psychiatrist also suggested a therapist for my PTSD issues. My first appointment with her is Wednesday. Lord knows what flood gates THAT will open. I am well aware I have more issues than just the PTSD. The main one being anger from childhood up through now. THAT should be fun when it comes out.

I've only told a few people about all of this. Again, not because I'm ashamed but because I don't need to hear shit like "Oh you just need some - that's why you're depressed" or "Well what do you have to be depressed about?" Spare me, people. Statements like that are why I think most people are flaming idiots and so not worth my time.

At any rate - I think this is a great start to '07. Instead of sitting on my ass wishing for change, I've started the cycle to MAKE change. And isn't that really all any of us can do?