Tuesday, December 15, 2009


I always look back at a year with woulda coulda shoulda...but this year shocked me.

Out of the blue I realized I have lost an ENTIRE year. Not a year of ooh I shoulda done that this or the other. No I have LOST a year. I have done nothing. I have been nothing. Hell, I haven't even been present 90% of the time.

Since this time last year, I have been spiraling down in my depression. Something went rather wrong when I got bronchitis and I went off the deep end. Not crazy, deranged, psychotic, but I pretty much just....quit. For an entire year. Apparently I'm just now waking up and looking around like dammmmmmnnnnnn. What the HELL did I DO?!

That's been food for thought for two months now. And shall remain so for at least another month. I have to wrap my head around this cuz I'M shocked and I was THERE.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009


It's 2 in the morning on a weekday and the insomnia that is always with me is particularly strong today. I'm on my second Ambien in hopes to slow my mind down to an acceptable degree. NOT trying to be the next River Phoenix/Heath Ledger, though.

The ambien is in my system. slowing my motor functions and thought processes. But that hasn't reached my mind. What my therapist refers to as "busy brain". Where you just can't stop thinking. At all. It's rather annoying in its way. For example, will tonight's episode send me to work well-rested or even ALERT? I'm guessing no.

It's very hard to explain to people that you just can't get up that day. No matter how hard you try. Yes I and depressed NO I am not DEPRESSED. Please, well meaning people do NOT ask What I'm depressed about. I will most likely rip you a new one. With a smile.

Gonna stop typing now, Hard to stay coherent when you're bone-tired and on amnbien which may or not be sneaking up on you to sleep.

Wonder how coherent this is gonna look in the morning.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Thoughts at 4 in the morning

I used to write ALL the time. Words just flowed. That was my outlet. There was a community of writers who felt like family. Not so many years later, here I am. I have to find a new way to write. It seems my words came from my deep inner turmoil. That turmoil that was my life and therefore gave me no life. And then I got medicated. Yep - now where did that creativity go? I've been trying to find those pieces. They're in there somewhere. I won't write about deep dark destructive unrest. At least not all the time. And I refuse to write about flowers and trees and annoying little blue birds. Nope not me. I think I'll just start typing and let the words find me once more. Most likely at 4 in the morning on Ambien dreams.

Monday, February 23, 2009


Well, we're into the second month of the year and I already feel like I need a vacation. On the positive side, I have very little stress right about now. On the negative side my body has decided now would be a good time to frolic about in the medical masses.

Work is fine. It's work. I can eat and I have a roof over my head. 'Nuff said. Finances are....they're finances. They're not where I want them to be at all. But by March I hope to be caught up with my credit cards. That's my first goal. I don't want to think on that further because I'll get overwhelmed and do absolutely nothing.

I've had a tiring couple of months healthwise. One week I had a cold. Not fun, but whatever. The following week I had the flu. And since I was still getting over the cold, that was doubly hard. Plus I rarely get the flu. And the week after THAT I somehow developed a nasty strain of bacterial bronchitis. Whatever that is. 10 days of double doses of mega strong antibiotics. Cleared it up. Mostly. The fine print? I could have symptoms for another 2-3 months. Apparently, this is true. I'm very tired of the coughing. And this is in addition to some issues with the ladybits I won't go into. Fabulous.

Other positive stuff...my boyfriend. Totally unexpected, but totally needed. He is such a blessing. I thank God for him every day. I think him finding me has done much to keep my mood stable. Lord knows, I don't need a bout of depression to kick in. I don't have time and I SURE don't have the energy to fight it right now.

So all I can say for '09 is...it's interesting. And I hope it gets better. Now I'm off to research vitamins, diet, and homeopathic whatevers to see if THEY can find my energy.