Resolutions and Such

I never make resolutions. Ever. I don't like being told what to do - not even by myself. Just a quirk I have. Or perhaps it's because I'm a Taurus. When I do decide to do something it is sudden and seemingly out of the blue. But not really as I give everything I do a lot of thought but only act on it suddenly.

So far this year I went to get my eyes checked. Something I really needed to do and was overdue for. Which is important since I wear contacts and can't see worth a damn without them. Everything's fine. I found a new eye doctor whom I really like, got a new contacts, a new type of contacts and splurged on some hot new glasses. Not that I wear them outside the comfort of my apartment, but still. The ones I have now are very old, very ugly, and literally held together by thread. I need to stop that. That making do type of shit. I was raised like that and as I grow older, I realize that it is totally not necessary at this juncture in my life to "make do". So why do it?

Something far more important I did was something that will hopefully save me the fate of other family members. I went to see a psychiatrist. Picked a name from my insurance list and went to him. Yes I need help. Yes I've known this for many years. It suddenly came to me the other week that again, why the hell should I make do? I'm not ashamed, so why shouldn't I help myself? It's exhausting me being as I have been probably since the age of 11. And getting progressively worse. The psychiatrist diagnosed me with general depression (which I suspected), general anxiety disorder (again, which I suspected), PTSD (suspected that, too) and panic attacks (had NO idea). And now I'm on two medications - Klonopin for the anxiety and Lexapro for the depression.

For the first time in a long time I can sleep at night. I fall asleep and don't wake up until my alarm goes off. Since I've only been on this stuff a week, of course I don't know the long-term effects, but I am optimistic. Not to pat myself on the back, but I am very proud of myself for saying fuck it, I'm doing something for myself and to hell with everything that has been bringing me down.

My psychiatrist also suggested a therapist for my PTSD issues. My first appointment with her is Wednesday. Lord knows what flood gates THAT will open. I am well aware I have more issues than just the PTSD. The main one being anger from childhood up through now. THAT should be fun when it comes out.

I've only told a few people about all of this. Again, not because I'm ashamed but because I don't need to hear shit like "Oh you just need some - that's why you're depressed" or "Well what do you have to be depressed about?" Spare me, people. Statements like that are why I think most people are flaming idiots and so not worth my time.

At any rate - I think this is a great start to '07. Instead of sitting on my ass wishing for change, I've started the cycle to MAKE change. And isn't that really all any of us can do?