Do You Ever...

...want something so bad you can taste it? That's me right now and has been for the past year and a half. Life as I'm living it right now is NOT life. It's not the life I'm meant to lead, I'm sure of it. I am not meant to be in this mundane, unfulfilling existence. I am not meant to be in this state, working this job, in this profession, STUCK in the nothingness while all good things pass me by. I refuse to believe that this is it. I've always said there's an "other" me. One that I have and still do keep mostly suppressed while I live how I'm "supposed" to, while I do what's expected of me when it's expected of me in the way it's expected of me. And I'm sick of it because THAT'S NOT ME. No how, no way, NO. Call it rebellion, finding myself, whatever....I have GOT to start living for ME. I did all I was SUPPOSED to do. I was a good child, did well in school, went to college on scholarship, entered the job force in my major in the job I was supposed to be in, I act like I'm supposed to, I cater to people without complaint, I don't rock the boat, I show no personality, I AM NOT LIVING. And it is making me SO unhappy. I realize I'm so unhappy because I'm not being true to myself. I'm not living for me. I'm not doing what I'm meant to be doing. I am a completely different person inside than what people see on the outside, and it is killing me. Every day I just feel crazier and crazier as I try to cope with the disparities of life as it is and life as it should be. I know what I want right this very now. I know how I want things to be. And now I have to put a plan into place that will get me to that point. So don't be surprised if I up and change everything drastically and seemingly fast. It's not personal and it's not hasty, because trust me, it's been a long time coming.